


The Heart Wants What It Wants

by crqstalite



Series: Shadow of The Sith - EU [3]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, mellena shan, tri'ama amarillis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crqstalite/pseuds/crqstalite
Summary: Tri'ama is still reeling from what Malavai has done. Forgive, yes. Forget? Never.
Relationships: Malavai Quinn/Female Sith Warrior
Series: Shadow of The Sith - EU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628581
Kudos: 6





	The Heart Wants What It Wants

character song: youngblood, 5sos

character file: lord tri'ama amarlilis, emperor's wrath

-

she has him at lightsaber point. the look in his eyes, god that pleading look in those usually cold blue eyes.

something in her snaps. she could kill him, she could choke him out and leave him here to die. she could leave him here without a second thought, take the others and murder this son of a bitch baras.

and he looks like he'd accept it. battered, bloody and bruised _her_ quinn sits, one hand over his side where she'd almost stabbed him. she'd tried not to hurt him, she really had. but the shot in her shoulder was enough incentive to finally do something to get him to stop shooting at her. tri'ama has the glowing blade nearly against his neck, it wouldn't be hard. a quick slash and it would be over.

he's too understanding. too able to understand her jumbled emotions, not even a plea for his life. quinn understands she's hurt. he would allow her to kill him, for what he's done is unforgivable.

the hilt drops to ground, blade retracted as she tries her damn hardest not to cry. not to allow him to see her like this. giving him her uninjured hand to pull himself up on, she has to subtly help him stand. "my lord-"

"don't." she can't bear to look him in the eye, but he understands, quieting immediatly. what was it all for, giving herself to someone who intended to betray her at the first sign of things not working out? she knew that romance didn't ever end well in the empire, moreso in the sith order. but, stupidly, she'd believed quinn wasn't like that. he was kinder than other imperials she'd met, cared for her injuries when they did happen, and let them move at a pace comfortable for both of them. "can you walk?"

tri'ama sounds choked up, she knows she does, but she turns around once she can see a visible nod from him. should she spare him? is it worth beating a man who's already down? but it's someone who betrayed her, someone who didn't care that she loved him. all in the favor of his previous master.

she's cold. absolutely freezing. she knows that her force abilities sometimes get out of hand to the point her emotions are so evident it changes the temperature around her. it could be as cold as hoth as she shivers, but her anger burning hot. betrayal hangs in the air as she continues walking back towards the airlock, hissing through her teeth as she moves her shoulder back and forth. it's not broken, she doesn't think, but...quinn was always the one to tell her when things seemed out of place. when things went wrong, he was there with a kolto pack or two.

her chest tightens at the thought. she trusted him, truly trusted him, not only with her life but also her vulnerability. she'd intended to keep this romance short, she'd had flings before the academy with other acolytes and any teenager unfortunate enough to flirt with her. she'd even had an unrequited crush on pierce for a bit, but she didn't expect to be kissed, by quinn of all people. it lingers, as she pulls the memory from the depths of her mind.

it's special because it's from someone she...

_someone she loves._

she's never loved before. never truly given herself up to someone like she has for captain malavai quinn. how she offered him smiles and encouragement, and he often did the same, in that annoyingly quinn-way he had.

they eventually arrive to the airlock where the fury was docked. "quinn, go ahead. i will join you in but a moment."

he hesitates. "my lord, do you...do you intend to tell the others what happened?"

her anger is beginning to disappate. at least at him, but she's going to murder baras when she seems him again. but, forgiveness is not on her mind right now. a part of her says she's lucky to let him live, to allow him to return to her crew even after what he's done.

she raises her eyes to his. "no, i don't intend to, quinn. it will remain...our secret."

"thank you, my lord." he attempts to bow for her, and she just wants to cry more as he grits his teeth before disappearing into the airlock. then, she's alone. there's no one on this ship, no one operating it but droids.

quinn intended to murder her, intended to leave her for dead. she could've died if she didn't move when the first blaster shot was fired, only just barely missing. stars, she figured he didn't want to hurt her at all. they danced around each other, after she destroyed his war droids with practiced accuracy. but when her grey-blue eyes met his colbalt blue ones, something softened in his face, firing off shot after shot that missed time and time again or bounced off her armor. the only real hit he'd gotten in was her shoulder.

tri'ama had done a surprising amount of damage. she'd never struck him directly, but a few force throws would do that to a person.

undoing the helm from around her neck, she breathes in the cool air of the ship as she leans against the wall. she's trying to calm herself, but she's shattering inside. tears well up in her eyes and they fall as she screams and cries like a child. like a wounded animal rage builds up in her as scattered boxes go flying. hands buried in her short hair, tri'ama doesn't try to reign in her emotions. raw, powerful. that's all she was, but she didn't feel powerful right then.

she felt small. she felt oh so scared, terrified. she'd trusted quinn, she had trusted her partner. and he turns on her because of one darth making a power grab. sliding down the wall so that she's sitting against it, she crumples, head buried in her arms. it hurts, god it hurts so much. it hurts, she just wants this pain in her heart gone, as it tears her apart inside.

_"it's not you, or me. it's baras."_

she could owe everything to baras, from her apprenticeship after being under tremel for a few weeks, to giving her the permission to murder as many as she liked. gave her the opportunity to find her first lightsaber. to become a lord of sith.

and now what?

as the emperor's wrath, she did what he and his hand asked. she no longer answered to baras.

she should've known, quinn would stay loyal to the person that gave him a career in the imperial military. all the signs were there, that unavoidable tic whenever someone said something demeaning towards the darth, whenever she expressed her annoyances for the man. when the voss had even told her someone would betray her, when pierce even mentioned there was no requirement for a transponder to dock at corellia.

_she should've known._

she doesn't know how late it is when she picks herself up and passes through the airlock. the ship is still light, and she hears talking from the galley. 

tri'ama doesn't want to talk to anyone, or she'll start bawling like a baby. she won't tell anyone of what transpired aboard the transponder situation, but she can't bear facing the reality that baras intended to make her crew work for him, or kill them if they denied. vette, pierce, jaesa...even broonmark.

to see their lights go out, as she watched in horror as she stepped aboard the airlock above voss. crumpled up after fighting her rival, drahg. she'd fought with the raw strength of a woman in mourning, to the point even quinn himself was terrified afterwards, commenting she became more bloodthirsty at some point between then and when they met on balmorra.

did he know what was coming?

holding her helm in her hands, she races for her quarters, tripping over her own two feet. something is trickling down from her nose, and she already knows it's not her own salty tears. she swipes at her nose, blood soaking into the underarmor she wears.

-

vette is the first to come find her in the coming days. she knocks a few times, mentions meals.

jaesa comes next, questioning whether she was allowed off the ship to do as she pleased.

pierce comes last, mentioning the plans for the bastion finally being nearly finished.

tri'ama doesn't know how long it's been. days, weeks. it couldn't have been more than a month. she stays in her quarters, and only eats once everyone else has gone to bed. she does little more than that, and other than the every other day training with a practice saber in her room, she doesn't do much.

she's left alone with her own grief. she forgave him, but her heart wasn't in it. she cries more than she ever has, a dam broken behind her eyes and in her heart.

why did this hurt so much?

why did she allow herself to hurt this much?

quinn wasn't her crutch. he wasn't sith, he wasn't even strong enough to defy baras on his own. what made tri'ama think she needed him like this? other than that he was the first person to say 'i love you' to her. other than that he was her first time. other than that he saw her as the most special woman in the galaxy. kept saying that he'd be there for her, in any capacity, whenever he was needed.

her mother didn't raise her to act like she needed anyone -- man or otherwise.

he'd been so unattainable for so long, and now that she did have him...after what he'd done. why did it feel like such a loss to her? why did it physically hurt her to even think this may be the end of them?

she prays no one hears her. the heart shattering wails she stifles is for no one's ears other than her own. she put this upon herself, trusting someone other than herself. but, for some reason she still feels that phantom arm around her waist as their lips crash together in the darkness of the cockpit, things left unsaid.

_stupid, stupid, stupid!_

she's better than this, she knows that. but it happened, and now she's reeling from the aftereffects.

"what did you even do?" vette's voice filters through the door as she steps to leave the room. "tri's been in there since you guys came back from that stupid transponder station."

"i didn't do anything." quinn's voice is shaky as he responds, her heart clenching as she pauses to listen. "possibly, she's caught a cold."

"bah, i've seen lord amarillis murder more people while suffering from the stomach flu, captain. what really happened?" pierce asks gruffly. "i've surely never seen her like this, never even leaving her quarters for meals with us."

"why ask me? why not ask her?" quinn is losing options. it would seem suspicious, coming back from the transponder situation and not even speaking to one of them on her own. "i'm sure she'd be happy to answer."

"i don't think we're talking about the same woman, captain." jaesa remarks, quieter so that tri'ama can't make it out the first time she speaks. "you've been planetside with her more than we have, the pure bloodshed when she's angry. doesn't it terrify you?"

"it does not." he answers calmly. "if there is something wrong, i'm sure she will inform you when she needs to."

there's a thick silence before vette speaks up. "you did something, didn't you?"

"what are you implying, vette?" quinn asks, coldly. he'd at one point gotten somewhat close to vette, at least to not to want to choke her out everytime he saw her, even to the point of conversing like normal people. but it didn't sound anything like him, as if he were annoyed, or perhaps angry. 

like how he'd sounded when he spoke to her.

half apologetic, but fully cold.

"you know exactly what i'm implying. you said something, o-or did something to tri! she really trusts you, and no shit why she's hiding from us!"

tri'ama gave her credit, she was perceptive. too perceptive some days. "you would accuse me of such a thing?"

vette's voice is quiet as she mutters something. "we're not stupid, quinn. she really cares about you, even if she likes to play it off as otherwise. why else would she ignore all of us, if you didn't have a hand in it?" tri'ama can imagine vette's lanky form as she crosses her arms, gaze cold. "what really happened on that transponder station, captain?"

it's quiet. you could cut the tension with a lightsaber, and tri'ama runs a hand through her short blonde hair. willing her hands to stop shaking, she opens the door to her quarters, as all eyes find hers. vette's closer to quinn than she first assumed, standing directly in front of him in an accusing manner. pierce and jaesa sit on the couch, in various states of confusion and mild suspicion. broonmark is nowhere to be found, but tri'ama figures that's a good thing. if the talz ever found out, she may send quinn home to dromound kaas in a body bag.

"tri!" vette exclaims. she's trying to hide her obvious elation at seeing who she respects as an older sister and mentor, before giving a murderous glance to quinn. "you're alright!"

"i was fine to begin with, vette." she responds, cracking a small smile as her twi'lek friend visibly relaxes. "there is...nothing wrong."

"you look like a woman in mourning." vette responds, unconvinced as she crosses her arms. "did i wake you? i'm sorry."

"do not be sorry, vette. i was awake already." she says. tri'ama's choosing her words carefully as she sweeps across the room, choosing a seat next to jaesa. she ignores eye contact with quinn, which while to the untrained eye he doesn't seem bothered by, but to her, she can tell that her actions have ruffled him quite a bit, from the way he holds himself to the way his eyes flicker to her stiff form on the couch. "are you all okay?"

"ready for corellia whenever you are, m'lord." pierce responds, standing from the couch. "vette was concerned something had happened on the transponder station a few weeks ago."

"it's good to see her concerns didn't hold true." jaesa says, giving her the wicked smile she'd always recognize her apprentice by. "if that is the case, vette, we have supplies to be restocking."

vette pauses, opening her mouth to say something else before turning back to tri'ama. "tri, don't hesitate to call me if he tries anything." she makes a 'i'm watching you' movement towards quinn, who stiffens visibly before stalking after jaesa. pierce has already disappeared into the bowels of the ship, most likely to return to doing what he was prior or preparing for the attack on the bastion.

firmly keeping her eyes lowered, she twiddles her thumbs back and forth in her lap. vette's right, she does look like a woman in mourning, wearing black greaves and a black tunic with her hair down. she's not often dressed like this, often enjoying the color red against her pale skin, pale eyes and pale hair. a stark contrast to her natural look, black only makes her look more gaunt than she already is.

she hesitates before his name graces her lips. "quinn, may i speak to you?"

"of course, my lord." his answer comes quicker than she first expected, a rushed response.

"in private, preferably." he follows her into her quarters as she sits on her bed, made since earlier in the morning. she's not sure where to begin once he steps inside, just moments ago wishing one of them would go away. 

"my lord, i have my resignation prepared. i just need the word." he says before she can even figure where to start. her eyes widen, heart pounding underneath her shirt.

her head snaps up to her captain. resignation? he was planning on resigning from his post here on the fury? "resignation? quinn-"

"if my presence offends you, my lord, i would not hesitate to leave. what i did was unforgivable, and you gave me mercy just allowing me to live." she tensing again, the fabric of her tunic balled up in her fists. "i would not continue hurting the woman..the woman i love."

"quinn, you would hurt me more by leaving." the words leave her lips before she can take them back, and he seems shocked for a moment. "i grant mercy to those i care about, and you happen to be one of them." standing, its a long few feet before she can stare up at him, those colbalt blue eyes boring into her soul. her arms go around him quicker than she wanted, collapsing into him as her emotions take over, tears falling down her face as she buries her head into his chest. her emotions are up and bubbling out of her before she process them,"please don't leave me, quinn. i couldn't bear it!"

things are unsaid, but he hugs her back just as tightly, "if you will have me for that much longer, i shall not, my lord."

she's so absolutely compromised, but right then she doesn't care. or she does, but buries it through her tears. quinn holds her as long as she cries, and they don't talk, eventually moving to her bed. for a fleeting moment, she's afraid that if she let's go of the back of his uniform, he'll run. that it'll finally be too much for him, too much to deal with her and her emotions.

"please, do not ever do such a thing again. i have never loved, and i have already almost lost you." she responds, wiping away a tear as they continue falling. "quinn, i do not know what i would do without you."

"then do not believe it. i apologize my lord, it never should've come down to my loyalty against yours and baras'" he responds, quieter and softer than he's ever spoken to her. he brushes a strand of hair out of her eyes, "i can assure you, this will never happen again. my life will be dedicated to you from here on forward."

she raises her head to his, pausing only for a moment before crashing their lips together. it's rough, as was their first kiss because tri'ama wasn't expecting it, but the passion that they expel is almost overbearing. she's still crying, but not out of betrayal anymore, but for the love she has for this man. for a moment, he hesitates, but allows her to do so, pressing back with the same amount of force, as she tangles her hands in his hair.

when they pull away, she's breathing hard but still tangled in his embrace. "i deny your resignation request, malavai."

he doesn't look disappointed in the slightest, even giving her a soft smile that graces his usually hardened features. "i understand, tri'ama." and she given yet another kiss that she can only describe as euphoric.

still, there's something there that she can't shake. a feeling that leaves her worse for wear, and though he sleeps next to her for that night, she can't help but suspect this would only be the first out of many transgressions on his part. 

maybe he'd promise to do everything right again, be the perfect husband.

but tri'ama isn't falling for that again.

she can work by herself.

but now she's worked herself into a corner. quinn has made, no -- manipulated her into feeling like she needs him, made her feel like that she can't go on without him. like she's nothing without him. it isn't healthy, but every kiss, every touch, she denies her fear. she's making him happy, right? every little smirk, every flirtatous look with his lashed, cold blue eyes...that means something. it means he loves her. that he was willing to do anything for her.

right?

that's all she's ever read about. all anyone has ever told her that it is. 

it's love, right?

she's scared. she doesn't know what's going on. she doesn't know what she's feeling. she can't put a name to how she's feeling. suspicious maybe. afraid for what malavai may do when she turns her back. but he's her lover. he wouldn't do the same thing twice, right?

tri'ama is terrified for what is surely coming.

and there's nothing she can do about it.

she just wants answers, but there's no one who can provide it for her.

she remains. a shell of the woman she once was by quinn's side.

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another archived fic that I pulled out and revised just a bit to fit the current Shadow narrative. I may pick this up again just to fill in the blanks of their relationship prior to Theron, but for now it remains here for you to read.


End file.
